How true is this video? I mean…seriously?! Maybe not completely true but let’s face it, the man part, totally true. The woman part, mostly true but in a less neurotic way. Men are so immature…they totally would wave their wee-wee’s at us and make a “woohoo” sound. Haha…men. And a woman would totally sqee-gee the shower. Haha…women. Such a silly video.
I fell off the wagon last night. Not the virginal wagon, but the self injury wagon. I didn’t cut, but I burned. It was a really good night to start with, Pauly and I were laughing and chatting and being goofy like we used to be. He was being really really sweet which was really nice because he’s been cold and distant lately. I really felt the old me coming back finally. The self assured, beautiful feeling, confident woman that I was not so long ago. So we decided to cam which really made me think he was letting me back in again. We haven’t cammed since late January right before he started shutting me out (right after he suspected that I had cammed with Rob after he asked me not to do it with anyone else anymore). So I got all dressed up all nice and cute in an outfit that he would love, I put on a sexy bra and panties, I did my hair…I wanted to make it really special for him so he’d remember the good times. Well we started and I was about to dance for him and I said something like “Dayum” and then he said something like, “Hey, Heather says that and it was weird because she texted me right at the same time!” Heather, is an awful, awful bitch that doesn’t deserve him at all and she left him heartbroken back in October or November and he said he wasn’t going to talk to her anymore. So, after that was said he was like, “I’m not replying though. Ok…keep dancing…” I told him I wasn’t in the mood anymore and I shut off the cam. I was really, really hurt. I felt shut out all over again…like, even after all I did to make it really special, it wasn’t good enough. So I just sat there and cried and he tried to apologize but it wasn’t enough. I told him to go have a nice time with Heather and he got an attitude…as if I didn’t have a right to be upset. Then he told me he was sorry and he wanted me but I told him he had his chance and he fucking blew it to which he replied with something along the lines of, “It’s so easy for you to be mean when I do something wrong…maybe I’ll do the same to you next time you screw up. Just remember that.” Which was when I signed off and tried to cry myself to sleep.
As I was laying in bed, I felt this enormous pressure build up inside and I had to do something. I almost did cut but didn’t want to start over again after 42 months so I went straight for my nail and lighter. It took me 5 or 6 tries to actually burn during which time I had a scary thought, “Damn…I’ve gotten weak.” You’d think I’d feel like I had gotten stronger for not wanting to do it, but I felt weak for being afraid of the pain. Finally I just stuck the nail in the flame and without hesitation, pressed it deep into my skin above my inner ankle. It hurt like hell, but it was the best thing I’d felt in a long time. After I did it, I was smiling. I felt relieved, relaxed, and rejuvenated. The first burn didn’t leave much of a mark so I did it again and again until I had a nice second degree burn. It took 5 tries. But, I’m not bothered by the fact that I burned. That’s not what worries me. What bothers me is that I have no regrets about doing it. It makes me wonder if, maybe, I’m turning back into the old me. I loved the feeling that I got when that nail seared my skin…it was exhilarating. But it still scares me that the only thing I regret about the whole thing is that I didn’t try to hide the marks better by doing it somewhere else.
I knew I was near ground zero in the middle of last week. I could feel myself nearing the breaking point. All the stress of everything and everyone’s expectations…I knew it wouldn’t be long before I burst. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about doing it for a few weeks now. I felt like I needed the pain, I needed physical pain to take my mind away from my emotional struggle. Something to release my mind. God, it felt great…damn…what have I gotten myself into again? The intense pain, the feel of the hot metal on my leg, the smell of the hot nail in the lighter…it was all so nostalgic. But it was the best thing I’ve felt in awhile. I felt alive again. I felt refreshed. Ready to take on the world. I felt…happy. God only knows why.
I felt really bad today for being so mean to Pauly last night. He really didn’t mean to hurt me, I know that. And he did apologize. I sent him some texts last night but didn’t get a reply. Then I sent him some this morning but he was at work so he couldn’t reply. But I went out and bought some lingerie today since we were talking about it last night. It’s kind of my way of apologizing. I think he’ll really like it, it’s kinda what he was talking about last night. I really miss the old us and I kind of got a glimpse of it again last night. It was nice…maybe my gifts and apologies will bring it back again.
Anyway, I’m rambling now. I just needed to vent because of how much I’ve struggled with this whole issue. Keep me in your prayers. Call in a favor from the Big Guy or something. Ask Him to help me find the will power to fight back. It’s there, I know it is…I just need a reason to find it.
This is what the world is coming to…people being able to play classical piano pieces only on video games. This is the most bazaar video I’ve ever seen! Leave it to the Japanese to be able to play a game like that!
So I was Facebooking tonight (what’s new?) and I happened upon my friend Ashley’s page. Well she had a link posted to a YouTube video of…are you ready for this…LAMBCHOP! I hadn’t seen Lambchop since I was a kid, probably 15 or 16 years ago and here it was before me on YouTube. Ho-Ly CRAP! And then from there I found Eureka’s Castle and David the Gnome! It was like an acid trip flashback to the 80s! It was seriously the best thing ever! I knew I wasn’t crazy with the Gnome show. Whenever I mentioned it to my parents they had no recollection of it…but now I have proof that it exists!
What did we ever do without YouTube? Oh…we wallowed in self pity missing the old days when our lives were happier and easier. Now we have Zoloft and YouTube…just the way the government wants us…drugged up and preoccupied!
So, if feeling hurt and alone wasn’t bad enough, now I have to deal with that whole Valentine’s Day drama as well. So, yes, regretful to say the least. Not only that, but I’m also dealing with the fact that I have no one who needs me, no one who wants me, no reason to get up in the morning really. I needed to be needed. It gave me a purpose, it motivated me, made me want to do things with my life, be a better person, succeed. Now I’m kind of feeling like half a person, like a…I don’t know…bee without pollen or something. It sucks but there’s really nothing I can do about it. Losing Paul was my own fault. I fucked up. I know it. I’ve reached a numbness again. It almost feels like with that one step forward I’ve made over the years that I’m taking two steps back. Despite making it 42 months since the last time I cut, it’s getting harder and harder to see that as motivation to not do it anymore. Really the only reason I haven’t cut is because starting over at 0 again would be such a fucking pain in the ass and I’m too lazy to start from scratch. But if it were 12 months or 6 months, I’d so be back on that bandwagon again in a heartbeat.
I’ve also receded religiously as well. When asked by a friend what I had given up for Lent, the first thing that popped into my head was, “God.” Who knows why, but that’s the first thing that came to me. And just to be as obnoxious as I could be to god and anyone else who cares, I make it a point to eat a burger every Friday. Now I’m back to coming up with crazy scams the bible is trying to pull over on people…the best one was my theory that sprung up from a comment I made back in 10th grade about virgins only being able to have babies when they lie. And then their fiances lie to save them from being an outcast or death. And then the ordinary baby is born, grows up, and lucks out a couple times with freak accidents that people think are miracles. Turns out the only real miracle is that people think he’s the messiah and wrote a whole book about how he’s going to save the world. And don’t try to change my mind. You weren’t there, therefore you have no real proof and therefore, you really can’t say for sure, at least not in my mind. So, yes, back to square one again.
There’s my life at the moment. I’m going places with my photography, I’m getting all A’s and B’s in school, I’m working at a great job that I love, to the outside world my life is great right now. My mom can’t help but gloat about how well I’m doing. But I’m falling apart inside. Well, I was at least. Last week was bad. Earlier this week was bad. But I’m happily numb right now and I can live with that for now. I have no desire to do anything other than be numb at the moment.
Now I’ve gone and done it. Once more I’ve fucked up the best thing I had going for me. I really shouldn’t be surprised. I’m really good at doing this sort of thing. I just don’t know when to stop. I was even told by him what was crossing the line and yet, I still did it anyway. I even knew what the consequences would be if I crossed that line and that didn’t even stop me. There’s something wrong with me I think. I was so happy and so in love and yet, I still managed to ruin it. You know, I really thought he might have been the one. I know I said it about Rob, but, this was so much better than what I had with Rob. It was open and honest. I wasn’t being used. You’ve all heard me talk about Paul before…how amazing he was to me, how beautiful he made me feel, how he made me want to be a better person, not only for him, but for me too. He really is the most awesome person I’ve ever met…he made me feel like me again, he made me happy. I could tell him everything…even things I couldn’t tell anyone else. And he was honest with me. I could always count on him to give me the cold, hard truth…even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear but really needed to hear it. And I could always count on him to make me laugh when I was having a crappy day. Yeah, he was perfect.
I got accepted to the college out by him and they gave me some money too. I was gonna get out of here…and it was going to be great because I would have been with him. But that’s all gone now. I fucked it up. And the worst part is it’s all my fault. I cammed with the Rob and I knew it was a stupid idea. I could try to blame it on Rob…but that would be the easy way out. This is my fault and if there’s one thing I learned from Paul, it’s that I need to be more mature and own up to my mistakes. So I am. It’s my fault.
The one thing I regret most is that I never treated him the way he deserved to be treated. He cared so much about me and treated me like a queen and I treated him like shit. He’s the most amazing person in the entire world, and I treated him like the scum of the earth. He’ll never know how sorry I am. I’ll regret ruining what might have been for the rest of my life. I had my second chance and I blew it. Too bad you never hear about third chances.
I finally did it! I finally got rid of him for good. With Pauly’s help, I was finally able to say “Fuck Off” to Rob. It’s liberating really. I feel free at last. Pauly was right, Rob was just using me. He really didn’t love me like I thought he did. That became stunningly clear when I read his last email in which he stated that he really doesn’t need me like he used to. It was a slap in the face, to be honest. I had a feeling that he didn’t need me as much as I needed him, but it still hurt to hear it. After all, his wife is acting like she’s his wife and not his slave driver. And, as much as that sucks, I knew it was bound to happy eventually.
Part of me wishes that it will be like it always is, she’ll be better for a while but then she’ll fall back into her old habits again. But this doesn’t seem likely…it’s already been 3 months and she’s still doing her wifely duties. Damn…3 months and it still hurts this bad. I just wish the pain would go away….or that I could forget….or that it never happened. How could I have been so stupid.
But, I’m not going to dwell. It’s over now, it’s time to move on. With Pauly’s help, I’ll be able to get through this. Pauly’s so good to me. I just wish he lived closer to me or I lived closer to him. I wish there was some way that we could make this relationship tangible. Make it real and touchable. One day we will…I just know it. I love him too much to not see that happen.
IT’S HERE! IT’S HERE! I got my letter today!
If you’re lost, I’m talking about my financial aid letter to Northeastern in Oklahoma. They decided to give me some money. According to this letter, they’re going to give me roughly half of what the tuition costs there. How cool is that!? And even better than that, I talked to my parents and they said that since they gave me that much money, I could go! HOORAY! Now I can finally start a new chapter in my life. Getting out of Saint Louis, meeting the best guy on the planet who genuinely loves me, starting my life with him in it, branching out on my own. Yeah…this is good. It could be the start of my happily ever after.
Today was my first day of work! It was amazingly awesome…not even kidding you. The people are great, the customers were amazing, and the work is shweet! It’s the perfect job for me…if I can just manage not to spend my entire paycheck on art supplies. I’m working at Blick Art Materials in Clayton. It was an easy decision, with me being an art student and all, it just seemed natural to work at an art supply store so I could get a discount on what is a very expensive hobby.
My boss is sooo cool. He’s really great, the polar opposite of Mark at the Cleaners. We have a great chemistry in the workplace. He even thinks that Mark is an asshole (he said so at my second interview). So this should be good I think. I haven’t met the assistant manager, Magan, yet but I bet she’ll be cool too. And my coworkers…WOW…talk about some nice people. They’re so great and very helpful too. It’s awesome. I’m so excited! This could be the beginning of something awesome!
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